elusive simplicity

I was thinking last night that I don’t know how to be sexually assertive unless I’m in a relationship with an established power dynamic.

For some reason, it’s often very hard for me to ask for what I want during sex.  I also have a hard time relaxing and just enjoying things.  I tend to get a little anxious and feel that if someone is doing something to me, I need to come as fast as possible because they’re going to get bored and annoyed that I’m taking so long, or something.  Hangups from previous sex partners being impatient and selfish, I presume.  It’s really hard for me to just enjoy what’s going on, I always feel like I should be doing something, making sure my partner is having as good a time as possible.  I guess I need to stop caring so much about my partners’ pleasure, I guess, and make sure I get taken care of.

That’s one of the reasons the first time with Vash was so amazingly wonderful – all my hangups and baggage seemed to have taken a very welcome vacation.  It was just lovely and simple and exactly what sex should be.  I wish it could be like that again, and always.