fatal flaw

I wish Neko would let herself be a part of my family. 

Tonight, as she’s done so often, she refused an invitation to dinner at my dad’s house.  I told her that we were making dinner, and she seemed interested, but when I called to tell her it was almost ready and that she should come over, all of a sudden she didn’t want to.  “I’m in my pajamas, ” was her reply.  I think she deliberately (or maybe subconsciously) didn’t shower or get dressed, so she would have some excuse, even though she knew about the dinner all day.  “It’s nothing against your dad or you, I’m just not in the mood to be around people right now.”  Funny, how every time an opportunity comes to do something with my family, she’s just not in the mood.

I know it’s hurtful to them. My parents have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her, the few times she’s given them the chance.  They mess up pronouns occassionally, but they try harder than she realizes.  They don’t really understand or empathize with her transexuality, but they accept her anyway, and want to love her.

I feel like it’s selfish of her to keep the distance from my family.  She just doesn’t want to make the effort for me, just like she never wants to make any sort of effort for me that isn’t directly beneficial to her in some way.

On Halloween when I was upset that she went off without telling me and left me alone when we were supposed to be having fun on the holiday, I talked to a couple of her new friends when I was trying to find out where she was.  I said that I thought she was being thoughtless and inconsiderate and that I was pissed off, and they thought I was overreacting.  They defended her, and all I could think was, “If only you knew her as well as I do,” and I wondered how long it would take before they would realize her true colors, or if they ever would.

I don’t understand how I can love and be with someone who only ever sees things from her own point of view, who isn’t willing to go out of her way for me in anything, who only does things that are to her own benefit.  It’s a huge, hurtful character flaw, and one that I always told myself I wouldn’t tolerate in a partner.  And yet I do, and I have for more than two years now.  Somehow when we’re together, I can’t stay angry at her.  One of those mysteries of love, I guess.  Meh.