an update kinda post

It’s been over a month since I’ve written anything here.  I gotta say, blogging does not have the same cathartic appeal as it did before, when I thought I was safely anonymous.  Now I feel.. unsafely possibly-not-anonymous.  At any minute the wrong person could figure out exactly who I am and everyone I’ve mentioned in the blog, and get horribly upset and offended that I’ve been so nasty and hurtful and revealing about them. 

But anyway.  Life is strange.  Since I haven’t written here in a while, how about a little update?

I have become the breadwinner in the household, which is a little scary considering I was basically just staying afloat when I only had my share of things to pay.  Neko does not have a job at the moment, not for several months now.  She’s trying to do a freelance thing, but so far that’s not really panning out as much of a moneymaker, and it’s not looking like that’s going to change anytime terribly soon.  She interviewed for a part-time job recently though, so at least that will give her money for rent.  And hey, she made over $100 today doing webcam pornz.  Maybe that will become a regular thing. 

Even being a sex-positive individual, I gotta admit the webcam thing is a little.. skeevy to me.  Neko is very cheerful about it though, in her charmingly innocent-seeming way.  She doesn’t seem to feel as though it’s degrading, so I guess I shouldn’t project my own feelings onto it.   And hell, she made more money in 6 hours than I do in my 8 hour workday at a full time job.

I’ve seen Kevin twice since my last post – we’re trying to get together at least twice a month.  Neko doesn’t leave the house much though, so the last time Kevin and I played she was upstairs in the office, which was a little weird.  She had her headphones on, listening to music while she worked on a project, but it still means that Kevin and I weren’t comfortable making too much noise, which does rather put a damper on certain activities.  And seeing as how my only real sex partner has disappeared from my life, those noisy activities are the ones I’d really like to be doing.  Ah well.  Maybe Kevin’s house will be available for play dates soon.

Vash is.. still MIA.  I wish I knew if it’s because he’s fucked up, or if he’s just an asshole.  I tried to contact the only person I have info for who knows him, but apparently there’s a lot more animosity there than I realized, in regards to that whole “unsafely not-so-anonymous” thing I mentioned earlier, and I really don’t know how to deal with it.   Perhaps a simple, “I’m very sorry, I was very stupid, and I promise I won’t share anything you say with the world at large.”  …I really seem to have a problem with oversharing – I shouldn’t even be writing this paragraph I suppose.  *sigh*

The holidays were very nice, lots of family time, which Neko actually participated in.  *warm fuzzies*  Things between us have been really good lately, we’ve been getting along really well and been very sweet to each other, for the most part.  We even had some sex, and it was quite nice.  

*sigh* This is probably a horribly boring post, and I apologize for that.  It should proabably end here, before I blather on about increasingly trivial crap that no one wants to read.

Soon, I’ll write a post about how my role as breadwinner has made Neko into my willing little housepet.  Dominance and submission, coming soon!

Play date

I have a date with my play partner, Kevin in a week or two.  It’s been ages since we’ve seen each other and I’m feeling just a little nervous, especially since there has been talk of Neko joining us.  The idea of it is kinda exciting, but the more I think about it, the more I don’t think it will work.   Not only do the two of them have such very different attitudes toward submitting, but the roles *I* play with them are different as well, and I don’t know if it will jibe at all when the three of us are together.

temporarily single

Neko’s been away for a week now, and it’s been weird to feel single again. 

I never did like living alone, and now that I’m used to Neko always being home, the house seems especially quiet and lonely.  I keep finding myself looking for her truck when I pull into the parking lot and being disappointed that it’s not there. 

I really should be taking advantage of the time, and having some boys over, or working on all my many unfinished projects, but I’ve just been reading a lot of novels and being very messy.  Go figure.

fatal flaw

I wish Neko would let herself be a part of my family. 

Tonight, as she’s done so often, she refused an invitation to dinner at my dad’s house.  I told her that we were making dinner, and she seemed interested, but when I called to tell her it was almost ready and that she should come over, all of a sudden she didn’t want to.  “I’m in my pajamas, ” was her reply.  I think she deliberately (or maybe subconsciously) didn’t shower or get dressed, so she would have some excuse, even though she knew about the dinner all day.  “It’s nothing against your dad or you, I’m just not in the mood to be around people right now.”  Funny, how every time an opportunity comes to do something with my family, she’s just not in the mood.

I know it’s hurtful to them. My parents have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her, the few times she’s given them the chance.  They mess up pronouns occassionally, but they try harder than she realizes.  They don’t really understand or empathize with her transexuality, but they accept her anyway, and want to love her.

I feel like it’s selfish of her to keep the distance from my family.  She just doesn’t want to make the effort for me, just like she never wants to make any sort of effort for me that isn’t directly beneficial to her in some way.

On Halloween when I was upset that she went off without telling me and left me alone when we were supposed to be having fun on the holiday, I talked to a couple of her new friends when I was trying to find out where she was.  I said that I thought she was being thoughtless and inconsiderate and that I was pissed off, and they thought I was overreacting.  They defended her, and all I could think was, “If only you knew her as well as I do,” and I wondered how long it would take before they would realize her true colors, or if they ever would.

I don’t understand how I can love and be with someone who only ever sees things from her own point of view, who isn’t willing to go out of her way for me in anything, who only does things that are to her own benefit.  It’s a huge, hurtful character flaw, and one that I always told myself I wouldn’t tolerate in a partner.  And yet I do, and I have for more than two years now.  Somehow when we’re together, I can’t stay angry at her.  One of those mysteries of love, I guess.  Meh.