an update kinda post

It’s been over a month since I’ve written anything here.  I gotta say, blogging does not have the same cathartic appeal as it did before, when I thought I was safely anonymous.  Now I feel.. unsafely possibly-not-anonymous.  At any minute the wrong person could figure out exactly who I am and everyone I’ve mentioned in the blog, and get horribly upset and offended that I’ve been so nasty and hurtful and revealing about them. 

But anyway.  Life is strange.  Since I haven’t written here in a while, how about a little update?

I have become the breadwinner in the household, which is a little scary considering I was basically just staying afloat when I only had my share of things to pay.  Neko does not have a job at the moment, not for several months now.  She’s trying to do a freelance thing, but so far that’s not really panning out as much of a moneymaker, and it’s not looking like that’s going to change anytime terribly soon.  She interviewed for a part-time job recently though, so at least that will give her money for rent.  And hey, she made over $100 today doing webcam pornz.  Maybe that will become a regular thing. 

Even being a sex-positive individual, I gotta admit the webcam thing is a little.. skeevy to me.  Neko is very cheerful about it though, in her charmingly innocent-seeming way.  She doesn’t seem to feel as though it’s degrading, so I guess I shouldn’t project my own feelings onto it.   And hell, she made more money in 6 hours than I do in my 8 hour workday at a full time job.

I’ve seen Kevin twice since my last post – we’re trying to get together at least twice a month.  Neko doesn’t leave the house much though, so the last time Kevin and I played she was upstairs in the office, which was a little weird.  She had her headphones on, listening to music while she worked on a project, but it still means that Kevin and I weren’t comfortable making too much noise, which does rather put a damper on certain activities.  And seeing as how my only real sex partner has disappeared from my life, those noisy activities are the ones I’d really like to be doing.  Ah well.  Maybe Kevin’s house will be available for play dates soon.

Vash is.. still MIA.  I wish I knew if it’s because he’s fucked up, or if he’s just an asshole.  I tried to contact the only person I have info for who knows him, but apparently there’s a lot more animosity there than I realized, in regards to that whole “unsafely not-so-anonymous” thing I mentioned earlier, and I really don’t know how to deal with it.   Perhaps a simple, “I’m very sorry, I was very stupid, and I promise I won’t share anything you say with the world at large.”  …I really seem to have a problem with oversharing – I shouldn’t even be writing this paragraph I suppose.  *sigh*

The holidays were very nice, lots of family time, which Neko actually participated in.  *warm fuzzies*  Things between us have been really good lately, we’ve been getting along really well and been very sweet to each other, for the most part.  We even had some sex, and it was quite nice.  

*sigh* This is probably a horribly boring post, and I apologize for that.  It should proabably end here, before I blather on about increasingly trivial crap that no one wants to read.

Soon, I’ll write a post about how my role as breadwinner has made Neko into my willing little housepet.  Dominance and submission, coming soon!

could be

Dev thinks that Vash is a jerk.  He very well might be.  I’ve definitely let my opinion of him be colored a bit too much by the all-too-brief fabulousness of our encounters last year, and some tiny lovely moments in more recent times.

Also, though, I probably overreact to some of his behavior.  Every small thing that isn’t overwhelmingly positive feels like a rejection to me.  If it’s been two or three days since he’s called, I start thinking that he doesn’t really want to date me at all, and that he’s never going to call me again.  Part of the problem with the relationship, such as it is, with him is that I need practically constant reassurance.  And even if he wasn’t probably a jerk, I know that would not be his bag anyway, he would find the neediness too stifling.

The friend I talked with the other night thinks I should just forget about him and find someone better, that I don’t really like him anyway, that I just like the idea of him, the could-bes and the fantasy of the relationship we could have if he actually gave a crap.  There is some truth in that.  The little tastes that I’ve had, the glimpses of the wonderfulness that is possible with him are incredibly seductive, but much too rare.

some of what I want to say

You seem to want “us” to be something far more infrequent and casual, and maybe nonexistant, than I do.  It’s been two weeks now since I heard from you last.  You don’t answer or return my carefully spaced phone calls, emails, or text messages.  And you’re the one who said that you “care about” me and want me in your life, you’re the one who said you wanted this to be a long-term relationship.  Apparently you and I have different definitions of the word “relationship.” 

You are incomprehensible to me.  The thankful tears and clinging hug, and the achingly tender look at the retreat in May just do not match up with most of the rest of your actions toward me. You are a bundle of mixed signals, and I cannot even begin to try to unravel your true feelings or intentions. 

I talked to a friend about all of this last night, and she probably summed it up pretty well: you’re a good guy with a lot of baggage, who will say what you think I want to hear because you don’t like confrontations or the thought of hurting someone. 

But I gotta say, the gradual let-down technique for ending relationships is not the way to go with me (nor is ignoring me until you have nothing better to do – you know I do not want to be some girl you fuck and forget about when I’m gone), and I thought I made that pretty clear in May.  I prefer a quick stab to a slow poisoning.  Don’t ruin the good memories I have of you.  And do me a favor and give me the respect I deserve by being as upfront and unflinchingly honest with me as I am with you.

If you want me to be a part of your life, let me in.  If not, do us both a favor and just fucking own up.

fatal flaw

I wish Neko would let herself be a part of my family. 

Tonight, as she’s done so often, she refused an invitation to dinner at my dad’s house.  I told her that we were making dinner, and she seemed interested, but when I called to tell her it was almost ready and that she should come over, all of a sudden she didn’t want to.  “I’m in my pajamas, ” was her reply.  I think she deliberately (or maybe subconsciously) didn’t shower or get dressed, so she would have some excuse, even though she knew about the dinner all day.  “It’s nothing against your dad or you, I’m just not in the mood to be around people right now.”  Funny, how every time an opportunity comes to do something with my family, she’s just not in the mood.

I know it’s hurtful to them. My parents have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her, the few times she’s given them the chance.  They mess up pronouns occassionally, but they try harder than she realizes.  They don’t really understand or empathize with her transexuality, but they accept her anyway, and want to love her.

I feel like it’s selfish of her to keep the distance from my family.  She just doesn’t want to make the effort for me, just like she never wants to make any sort of effort for me that isn’t directly beneficial to her in some way.

On Halloween when I was upset that she went off without telling me and left me alone when we were supposed to be having fun on the holiday, I talked to a couple of her new friends when I was trying to find out where she was.  I said that I thought she was being thoughtless and inconsiderate and that I was pissed off, and they thought I was overreacting.  They defended her, and all I could think was, “If only you knew her as well as I do,” and I wondered how long it would take before they would realize her true colors, or if they ever would.

I don’t understand how I can love and be with someone who only ever sees things from her own point of view, who isn’t willing to go out of her way for me in anything, who only does things that are to her own benefit.  It’s a huge, hurtful character flaw, and one that I always told myself I wouldn’t tolerate in a partner.  And yet I do, and I have for more than two years now.  Somehow when we’re together, I can’t stay angry at her.  One of those mysteries of love, I guess.  Meh.

a thought for Vash

You seem to want me in your life in a mostly superficial way, and I’m having trouble adjusting my desires(?)expectations(?) to match that reality.

 

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elusive simplicity

I was thinking last night that I don’t know how to be sexually assertive unless I’m in a relationship with an established power dynamic.

For some reason, it’s often very hard for me to ask for what I want during sex.  I also have a hard time relaxing and just enjoying things.  I tend to get a little anxious and feel that if someone is doing something to me, I need to come as fast as possible because they’re going to get bored and annoyed that I’m taking so long, or something.  Hangups from previous sex partners being impatient and selfish, I presume.  It’s really hard for me to just enjoy what’s going on, I always feel like I should be doing something, making sure my partner is having as good a time as possible.  I guess I need to stop caring so much about my partners’ pleasure, I guess, and make sure I get taken care of.

That’s one of the reasons the first time with Vash was so amazingly wonderful – all my hangups and baggage seemed to have taken a very welcome vacation.  It was just lovely and simple and exactly what sex should be.  I wish it could be like that again, and always.

long distance

I miss him. I don’t think he misses me. He isn’t the least bit needy – not that shows, anyway. He’s so.. guarded. I was thinking earlier that I wish I could take back everything between us since May, because I have revealed so much and in ways that I think lessen his opinion of me. But he never shares anything about himself, or how he feels about things.

I don’t like that, I hate that he’s so distant. I especially hate that it’s probably partially because of my behavior. I want so very badly to be close to him, for him to let me close.

He seems to have so many walls now that weren’t there when we met last year. And I despair of ever getting past them.